Hello my kittens. I have a major announcement to make to you, my adoring fans. It is with a heavy heart and paw that I am announcing my retirement as superstar columnist and internationally renowned career confidant. I can hear your gasps and the sounds of the paparazzi gathering on the street below already.
Of course I will continue to judge humans and will always have my opinion, but I will no longer pen them to paper. I am content to think my scathing comments moving forward rather than make them public. It is time for me to celebrate my own life as only I can. It will be one long party in the penthouse. I fully intend to gain every ounce of weight my human has made me lose over these past years through wretched diets and exercise routines, and that is just my short-term goal.
I hear your meows of protest, but please do not fret my kitties for I am passing the reigns of this important post to my young and eager kitty counterpart, Peetie. I will continue to enjoy watching the rat race from my fur-lined penthouse apartment and will pat him in the right direction as needed.
Yes, he has enormous paws to fill, and he can only try to be the fashionista and social media icon that I have become. I am fully confident in his abilities, and, let’s just say, his “largesse.” He is the biggest kitten I have ever met. I secretly think he might be part bobcat, or possibly panther. That alone is worth your respect!
He recently received his Master’s from the esteemed Graduate School, SPCA University, with an MBA in “Beating out the Competition to get Adopted, Employed, and Promoted”. He was the top of his class and has refused to be ignored by his peers. While studying there he interned at the prestigious firm of Cat Nip Tuck where he whipped their employees into shape and became the go-to guru for career advice.
He has shown me he has some pretty nifty ideas on how to advance your career and is eager to offer his unique advice to my adoring public.
Thank YOU, my loyal doting admirers, for your attention, letters, and accolades over the years. As I look back on my years of being a social media icon and reflect on all of the faces of my past, most of them are rather forgetful, except yours, my darlings. I appreciate every one of you, and I am excited to see Peetie take the reins and continue to be the feline guide to your ever-succeeding career. As a close friend once said, “here’s to your own champagne wishes and caviar dreams.” Mmmm, I have mine waiting for me now. Let us not say good-bye dear friends, but au revoir and meow. Let my party commence!
Peetie, the cat box is all yours! Now where’s my human with my champagne?
PS: You can contact Peetie directly via email with your career questions to PeetieCat@alanjblair.com . We will miss having regular missives from Lola*Cat but are excited to support our bright young star, Peetie.
– Team Alan J. Blair